There’s been a growing discontent in me at the status quo of living in lies & superficiality, in my own life & all around me.
For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) dwells no good thing. For to will is present with me, but how to perform that which is good I do not find. Rom 7:18
Coming out of the dark & into the light! . . .
This ‘update’ might be shocking to some, “too much information” to others, but I find the hunger in my heart to be real, authentic and genuine is just uncontainable!
i really don’t mind if i lose your respect, or if you look down on me & apply all sorts of shameful labels on me as a result of my honesty.
I realise now that I can only ever enter into deep, genuine relationship with Father and those He puts around me if i step out of the darkness of shame I’ve hidden in for too long & step out into the light to be honest & transparent!
… so here goes ..
I’m so sick of being unreal, projecting or trying to keep up an image of who i am that’s simply not true.
The fact is, for too long, i’ve been struggling alot with sexually lustful thoughts.
Which has sent me down over & over again on the slide to masturbation, only to end up in a pit of crushing shame & guilt to despair again & again such that i can only cry out “Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?” (Rom 7:24)
.. yes, if it were not for the God’s amazing grace, you’d see my face / name in newspapers making headlines for all sorts of wicked, filthy sex crimes. :(
Disturbing I know, but such is the harsh reality of the truth. :”(
I’ve seen it played out in my mind too many times to ever think it’d be impossible for me to fall as so many others have :(
I’m so sick of trying to ‘be pure’ only to fall flat on my face time after time.
O, how I need Jesus!
I really, really need HELP!!
O, To know what it means to be “crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ lives in me: and the life I now live, I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave Himself for me. Gal 2:20
Just listened to this podcast on ‘Honest To God’ & found it really helpful ...
listen here: http://thegodjourney.com/audio/2009/090710l.mp3
Perhaps the reason why i struggle relationally is because I’m simply not honest.
Paranoid [i.e. stupid] fears of total loss of friendships if the naked truth were known about me have subconsciously driven how I relate [or don’t relate!] to people in life.
Enough precious life has been wasted in the dark...
Now is the time to enter into the light to live free & live full!
So if by this point you haven’t given up on me as a hopeless sex fiend, thank you :D
. . . always valuing your prayers as we journey on toward HIM! :)
definitely not an easy journey but ever exciting =)
if you have any comments, please let m know!
Or have any Qns, just ask~! my life's an open book ;)
:D thank God! :D
:D being right with God is not dependent on me!
:D He’s at work in me to produce in me the desires and actions that please Him.({Phil 2:13) .. even though i don’t always see / feel this, it’s true regardless!
:D pouring out grace upon grace through loving, supportive friends & family ~! [i.e. YOU!] ..
:D energising me to go further than I expected for THE MOST WORTHWHILE walk I’ve ever be done!
[on less sleep than i desired too!]
:D providing me with a ‘Paul’ relationship [i.e. someone more mature in the faith I can journey with & learn from!]
*PRAY*
* I’d know what it is He wants me to do, not simply following my idea of what’s good or what I think He wants!
* i'd stay in the light to live free & live full, not to run back to the darkness again!
* i'd cooperate with Father in what He wants to do in / through my life!
* the person of Jesus would so captivate me that i'd be transformed to be more like Him!
* i'd live with one aim and one aim only – to glorify Christ!
* i'd stop being pulled away by so many small, trivial, and petty things which waste so much of my time.
* i'd see a Christ that fills me, a Christ that so much greater than me, larger than I can fathom, an indescribable Christ that overshadows, overwhelms, and consumes me through and through!
* i'd keep relaxing into His Love, no more trying, no more resisting!
* keep me trusting in His truth so I’d not keep swallowing whole the lie that I can find goodness apart from Him!
* He’d keep my heart from wandering after idols. [I know I’m super-susceptible to this, I’ve been doing it all my life!]
* i'd faithfully proclaim a narrow gospel because that’s the only gospel there is! [Matt 7:13-14]
* He’d grow me in yieldedness to Jesus as Lord, making me ever softer clay in The Potter’s hands!
* i'd live in the arms of mercy, letting His undying love for me free me & restore my brokenness rather than seeking to live by fear of His judgment or confidence in my performance (or lack thereof!)
* guard me from idleness & letting my eyes & thoughts wander into sin!
* i'd live out my salvation with great seriousness (fear & trembling! Phil 2:12!)
* i'd pour out my life instead of always trying to save it!
* i'd learn what it is to live by faith [faith is spelt R.I.S.K.!]
* keep healing my soul & mind that’s been polluted by lies for so long. I can see He’s working :D
* all my of self would be lost in order to gain Christ!
* grow me out of ‘the ‘Babylon’ religious way of thinking & behaving that’s become so ingrained in me! :O
* keep me wise & discerning in what I eat so I won’t needlessly self-destruct!
* i'd be a free-flowing channel through which to share ALL He’s given me!
~thanks~!! please tell me how i can best support you before His throne of Grace too!
if Father so leads you to be my regular prayer supporter, do check out this prayer blog every now & then :)
Looking forward to hearing from you how i can best support you in prayer & praises!!
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