I’m on a journey... and loving every seemingly slow second of it :]
Yesterday I received a big Heavenly reminder.
How slow I’ve been to realize... For much of my life I’ve been living blind / ignorant to this reality:
I am GREATLY LOVED. PERIOD!
Maybe it’s because I’m far too self-absorbed in my messed-up past combined with my messed-up thinking that it’s all up to me to perform to a good enough level for anyone to love me?
Or Maybe I’ve just bought into the lie that nobody could love me if they really knew me the way I know me.
I’m not the judge, even though I’ve been living like as if I were for far too long, and typical to His passionately jealous Fatherly love for His own children, He broke into my world & showed me yet again The Truth of just how greatly I am loved!
I’m sick of believing the lie, sick of playing the religious game of “trying to earn points with someone who’s no longer keeping score anymore” [go here to download & listen to an audio chapter www.lifestream.org/audio/Chapter17.mp3
What a joy this journey to freedom has been! Father really has a sense of humor – this all started with a precious sister’s reply to an email of mine asking for prayer when I was suffering yet another bout of diarrhea referring me to a link Father led her to -- www.lifestream.org
I did an [unknowingly] bad job of cutting my own hair – it was getting annoying & I was too impatient to wait another week & a bit for my next free haircut appointment : either my self-cut hair wasn’t that bad or nobody cared so much as to say anything about it except my parents – Sunday morning whilst I was getting ready to go off to meet God’s people, they told me they were going to fix my hair. All the natural childish thoughts went through my head, and to be honest I really couldn’t have cared the slightest bit about how bad my hair looked – any sense of self-respecting dignity I my have once had was lost long ago . . . I’m not sure where or how but after so long I’ve just gotten used to it.
After mum quickly fixed my hair, I started shaking the hair off my clothes … knowing some hair must’ve gotten into the other many layers of clothing I was wearing [I don’t know why but I’m like, super
-sensitive to any bit of cold these days?!] I started taking off each layer to shake off.
dad told go inside & do it but I just stayed right there like a stubborn kid .. and in the process ended up tearing one of my shirts :O
“you still won’t listen to me!?” dad said. So I went inside to the bathroom by myself thinking it’d be easier to clean up my mess of hair there than in a carpeted area, then dad came in & we had an argument over miscommunication.
only now do i understand He wanted to help clean me up, but i, in my stupid independent spirit, hidden under a veneer of not wanting to trouble him, wanted to try to clean myself up by myself . . .
I shouldn’t have raised my voice in anger at my daddy who loves me and only has my very best in mind always!
My dad had the last word: “you can shout at me, do what you want but when will you realize that all I’m doing is because i love you?”
Why oh why am i so slow to understand how much I am loved by my daddy?
A wave of lies & self-condemning questions rushed into mind;
Yesterday I received a big Heavenly reminder.
How slow I’ve been to realize... For much of my life I’ve been living blind / ignorant to this reality:
I am GREATLY LOVED. PERIOD!
Maybe it’s because I’m far too self-absorbed in my messed-up past combined with my messed-up thinking that it’s all up to me to perform to a good enough level for anyone to love me?
Or Maybe I’ve just bought into the lie that nobody could love me if they really knew me the way I know me.
I’m not the judge, even though I’ve been living like as if I were for far too long, and typical to His passionately jealous Fatherly love for His own children, He broke into my world & showed me yet again The Truth of just how greatly I am loved!
I’m sick of believing the lie, sick of playing the religious game of “trying to earn points with someone who’s no longer keeping score anymore” [go here to download & listen to an audio chapter www.lifestream.org/audio/Chapter17.mp3
What a joy this journey to freedom has been! Father really has a sense of humor – this all started with a precious sister’s reply to an email of mine asking for prayer when I was suffering yet another bout of diarrhea referring me to a link Father led her to -- www.lifestream.org
I did an [unknowingly] bad job of cutting my own hair – it was getting annoying & I was too impatient to wait another week & a bit for my next free haircut appointment : either my self-cut hair wasn’t that bad or nobody cared so much as to say anything about it except my parents – Sunday morning whilst I was getting ready to go off to meet God’s people, they told me they were going to fix my hair. All the natural childish thoughts went through my head, and to be honest I really couldn’t have cared the slightest bit about how bad my hair looked – any sense of self-respecting dignity I my have once had was lost long ago . . . I’m not sure where or how but after so long I’ve just gotten used to it.
After mum quickly fixed my hair, I started shaking the hair off my clothes … knowing some hair must’ve gotten into the other many layers of clothing I was wearing [I don’t know why but I’m like, super
-sensitive to any bit of cold these days?!] I started taking off each layer to shake off.
dad told go inside & do it but I just stayed right there like a stubborn kid .. and in the process ended up tearing one of my shirts :O
“you still won’t listen to me!?” dad said. So I went inside to the bathroom by myself thinking it’d be easier to clean up my mess of hair there than in a carpeted area, then dad came in & we had an argument over miscommunication.
only now do i understand He wanted to help clean me up, but i, in my stupid independent spirit, hidden under a veneer of not wanting to trouble him, wanted to try to clean myself up by myself . . .
I shouldn’t have raised my voice in anger at my daddy who loves me and only has my very best in mind always!
My dad had the last word: “you can shout at me, do what you want but when will you realize that all I’m doing is because i love you?”
Why oh why am i so slow to understand how much I am loved by my daddy?
A wave of lies & self-condemning questions rushed into mind;
“what’s wrong with me? Why am I so stupid?”
“I’m such a burden.”
“how long must i go on like this, causing trouble & hurting those who love me?”
But My Heavenly Father’s arms of love swept me into His loving embrace of truth before I could be overwhelmed by the wave of lies threatening to pull me down.
It’s just like me to focus on the problem of myself but totally missing the blindingly obvious truth that even if I was a problem, I was a very dearly loved one!
There was a very obvious spiritual parallel to all this that caused a major breakdown, leaving me absolutely broken in a mess of tears – very relieving and an answer to prayer that my God would fill my eyes with tears because they’ve been dry for far too long even after encountering so many things that must break His heart!
A few lessons i'd like to share with you on reflection:
* It’s NOT about what I do / don’t do but WHO I’m loved by!!
* Jesus came to free me from myself!
* My Heavenly Father cares for me so much more than I could, especially at the moments when I don’t even care about myself at all!
* My Heavenly Father loves me so much more than I could ever love myself – especially at the moments when I most hate myself!
In the light of this Truth that I am so greatly loved, do I have any right at all to keep such hateful thoughts towards myself?
* All my good intentions cannot cover up the fact that I’m not good enough & I constantly need The Saviour!
* Father is more willing to do things for me than I realize!
* I can only serve Him by having Him serve me first.
* in spite of all that’s true about me in all my sinfulness, The Greater Truth is, He loves me, He wants me, and He likes me!
* He’s not keeping score anymore!!
* I can’t do anything good on my own apart from Father!
* How dare I relate to Father like an angry judge & not like He’s family!!
-- I’ve been raised to think of God only as an angry Judge who cannot love me because I’m just way too sinful!
What kind of gospel can I present to people when all I know of God is an unapproachably Holy God to whom I can only relate to in fear, shame & insecurity because it’s all based on my performance & my performance is continually bad?!
Hooray Jesus came to show us The Father who not only is Righteous but is Loving – lavishly loving too! God came near!
Please pray for me as I journey on to know Him for who He really is .. I know it’ll take the rest of this life & forever to comprehend the Awesomeness of who He is, but I’m sure going to take much pleasure & delight in savoring every second of it, no matter how seemingly slow it may go!
I really need Open eyes, ears & an open heart to live LOVED!
“I’m such a burden.”
“how long must i go on like this, causing trouble & hurting those who love me?”
But My Heavenly Father’s arms of love swept me into His loving embrace of truth before I could be overwhelmed by the wave of lies threatening to pull me down.
It’s just like me to focus on the problem of myself but totally missing the blindingly obvious truth that even if I was a problem, I was a very dearly loved one!
There was a very obvious spiritual parallel to all this that caused a major breakdown, leaving me absolutely broken in a mess of tears – very relieving and an answer to prayer that my God would fill my eyes with tears because they’ve been dry for far too long even after encountering so many things that must break His heart!
A few lessons i'd like to share with you on reflection:
* It’s NOT about what I do / don’t do but WHO I’m loved by!!
* Jesus came to free me from myself!
* My Heavenly Father cares for me so much more than I could, especially at the moments when I don’t even care about myself at all!
* My Heavenly Father loves me so much more than I could ever love myself – especially at the moments when I most hate myself!
In the light of this Truth that I am so greatly loved, do I have any right at all to keep such hateful thoughts towards myself?
* All my good intentions cannot cover up the fact that I’m not good enough & I constantly need The Saviour!
* Father is more willing to do things for me than I realize!
* I can only serve Him by having Him serve me first.
* in spite of all that’s true about me in all my sinfulness, The Greater Truth is, He loves me, He wants me, and He likes me!
* He’s not keeping score anymore!!
* I can’t do anything good on my own apart from Father!
* How dare I relate to Father like an angry judge & not like He’s family!!
-- I’ve been raised to think of God only as an angry Judge who cannot love me because I’m just way too sinful!
What kind of gospel can I present to people when all I know of God is an unapproachably Holy God to whom I can only relate to in fear, shame & insecurity because it’s all based on my performance & my performance is continually bad?!
Hooray Jesus came to show us The Father who not only is Righteous but is Loving – lavishly loving too! God came near!
Please pray for me as I journey on to know Him for who He really is .. I know it’ll take the rest of this life & forever to comprehend the Awesomeness of who He is, but I’m sure going to take much pleasure & delight in savoring every second of it, no matter how seemingly slow it may go!
I really need Open eyes, ears & an open heart to live LOVED!
So dear precious beloved brothers & sisters, may our Father keep opening our eyes, ears & hearts to the many ways He’s showing you in the everyday of life how Greatly He loves you!
How can I best pray for you in your journey?
Please let me know if any of the above was confusing to you & how I may possibly help you in your journey :)
Please let me know if any of the above was confusing to you & how I may possibly help you in your journey :)
~don't be shy, be loved!~
2 comments:
You will always be our lovely baby. We are there for you, and to love you. mum & dad
hey abes,
thanks for the post... i can really relate to what you feel... i often lose my temper with my parents and take stuff out on them when they certainly dont deserve it. was really sweet message they replied with as well :)
praising God for great witness of your grandma too :)
cya sat,
mag:)
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