Just wanted to hare & pour out a li’l of my heart .. thanks for reading ;)
** i did have another blog setup for entries like this but hant done anything on it for 4 years & cant seem to get into it! >_<
Abba Father, just being frank & pouring out my heart, even if it doesn’t make the most sense. I thank You, my Abba Father, You still understand me even when I don’t understand myself! :)
Dear Papa, I write You & not a diary because You are infinitely better than writing to a ‘diary’ any day ;)
I feel so sorry to You, You’ve had to wait so long for me to come out of fear & guilt-based “existence” into trusting, loving relational living with You!
… Although I’ve always been slow to understand, You love me still :D
What can I say in light of such glorious truth & reality?
So much time has gone by journeying though this life based on fear and under a crushing weight of self-inflicted condemnation, & self-hatred which is no way to live at all.
I think this has resulted in me being relationally challenged, to the extent that I actually automatically assume anyone & everyone doesn’t really want to know me, and even if they really did know me, they wouldn’t want to know the real me, as if all there was to me was the sum total of all my past shameful sins & failures.
Didn’t You deal with all that on the cross 2000 years ago?!
So what am I doing? I can’t call this living, because it’s so far removed from what You breathed life into me for!!
Where did I go so wrong?
Why did I ever pay so much attention to the lies of the enemy to rob me of all the worth I have as a creature made in Your image? No, the truth is I’m so much more than just a creature made by You, I’m truly Your Son, dearly beloved & bought at great price – that You would even *think* so much of me is beyond fathoming, but I won’t go down that old path of self-contempt again :)
If this is reality, then I’ve passed too much precious time ‘living’ in unreality. In light of what Your Son did for me on The Cross, and so many recent events where You’ve proved Your extravagantly abundant, lavish love for me time & time again, why am I still so tangled up in this web of lies?
. could the ugly truth be that I’ve actually grown so used to living in lies that I’ve tragically accepted this as normality?!
I don’t know. But You know, and I can most definitely trust You :)
A podcast we recently listened to from www.theGodjourney.com mentioned how many of us live in fear rather than trust, how we say “I trust God” but still live in fear that You aren’t good or powerful enough to provide / intervene in our lives.
How sadly true this has been for much of my life! :(
Indeed, I’ve often wondered at times why I act the way I do – towards You & others.
Do I wholeheartedly trust that You really love me? I seem to have no trouble believing You want me to know You, but that You truly want to know me???!!!
The fact of the matter isn’t so much whether or not You want to know me, but You do know me most fully – better than I could ever know myself and still love me anyway - wow!!!
If I trust Your love I’ve heard & sung about & even tried to tell others about, I have no reason whatsoever to fear the lie that You, or anyone else doesn’t really want to know me, and even if You / they really did know me, You /they wouldn’t want to know the real me”!
So I can give up the following fear-based behaviors & take on truly relational living (Papa, please show me what this looks like because I feel like I’m entering unfamiliar territory!)
* giving most of my attention to food in front of / around me rather than the people around me in social / public settings (as if food is easier to “relate” to than people?!)
* being preoccupied with being overly stingy in saving / spending when out with people!
* being much more desirous & comfortable sharing the gospel with someone (following an outline I’ve learnt & repeatedly rehearsed several times) rather than actually relating to them as a person.
At least this one-way interacting means they won’t know me for who I really am. :
* being more than happy to be alone by myself & Jesus, wrongly believing nobody really wants to be with me anyhow . . . again, nobody will know me for who I really am. :
* holding back from sharing my life with people unless people directly ask, assuming they’re not interested & certainly have better things to do than listen to me.
So much of my relational habits these days involves much inquiring about their life; with very little being shared on my part unless asked.
Yet You’ve built into my design as a human being, Father, the desire to connect with others – to know & be known.
I truly treasure those rare moments when I think I’ve connected with another fellow journeyer, but they seem so few & far between that it’s almost like I’ve forgotten what it is to truly connect anymore.
So much interaction these days is so superficial, and You know I’m sick of it because You didn’t make me for this!
I must confess, I’m not as connected to You as I long to be, hiding behind excuses, busy-ness, those worthless old fears that’ve weighed me down,
. . . but I’m coming back to You Father :D
Can You change me from what I’ve been to all You want me to be Father???
I wish I could always stay like this, confidently assured of Your love for me, but knowing my forgetfulness & tendency to wander -- even to push away You & others who love me, unfortunately I’m paranoid it’s only a matter of time before I fall back into old ways of hiding in fear from You / others than living in loving trust.
Father, I’m weak, I’m foolish, I’m blind & deaf when it comes to relational living. I will call upon You to help me, enlighten me & open my eyes, ears & heart to the glorious freedom found in truly living – relationally as You’ve made me to!
Please keep showing me how to live relationally as I don’t want to waste anymore of this precious life living for less than all You made me for!!
You’ve also spoken to me recently that I don’t enjoy your grace enough.
* How I’m too much more aware of & affected by my past sins than I am The Person & finished work of Jesus Christ!!! :(
* How I’m too much reliant on godly practices For my forgiveness, justification & acceptance by You than I am reliant on the finished work of Your Son on the cross! :(
* how I consistently experience condemnation . . .
Yet by Your grace & Your grace alone, You’ve preserved Your joy in me, which would otherwise be non existent in light of the above!
Please keep me expending my energy admiring, expositing, exploring & extolling Jesus Christ!
To find my full identity & worth in Him, enjoy Grace & Detect Legalism!
Thanks Abba, Papa, Daddy, for this reassurance You spoke to me in Your unfailing Word:
18 I am holding you by your right hand – I, the Lord your God. And I say to you “Do not be afraid. I am here to help you.
14 Despised as you are, O Israel, do not be afraid, for I will help you.
May You use our journey to encourage & bless others! :)
A quote:
“I once knew a good woman who was the subject of many doubts, and when I got to the
bottom of her doubt, it was this: she knew she loved Christ, but she was afraid he did not
love her. ‘Oh!’ I said, ‘that is a doubt that will never trouble me; never, by any possibility,
because I am sure of this, that the heart is so corrupt, naturally, that love to God never did get
there without God putting it there.’ You may rest quite certain, that if you love God, it is a
fruit, and not a root. It is the fruit of God’s love to you, and did not get there by any the force
of any goodness in you. You may conclude, with absolute certainty, that God loves you if you
love God.” Charles Spurgeon
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